General

 

The best jokes in the 'General' category. That's pretty much the 'trash can' category of the site. The jokes are sorted according to the score that visitors give the jokes. Help the site and give a score to the jokes you read!

Politicians and diapers

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.

Average: 10 (1 vote)
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A young boy was walking along the docks

A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy. “Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!” “Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

Average: 8 (1 vote)
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Stop, or slow down

A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn't stop at the stop sign. "It's the same thing," the lawyer stated, "I don't believe there is a difference between stop and slow down." "Allow me to prove it to you," the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton. After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him, "Now do you want me to stop, or slow down?"

Average: 8 (1 vote)
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Average: 7 (1 vote)
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Reading the Bible

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?

Answer
Average: 7 (1 vote)
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Tags

Who is this?

My husband and his sister are notorious yakkers. They can hold court on any subject. One day, he called her. All he had to say was “Hi,” and that launched her into a marathon session, going on about this, that, and the other. When she finally paused to come up for air, she had one question: “Who am I talking to?”

Average: 7 (1 vote)
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A little girl riding her bike

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $5. The girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it."

Average: 7 (1 vote)
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Pretty or ugly

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

Average: 6 (1 vote)
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A Scotsman

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

Average: 6 (1 vote)
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