Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to granny’s, when she spots the wolf crouched behind a tree. “My, Mr. Wolf, what big paws you have,” she begins, but the wolf runs off. Further down the path she sees the wolf crouched behind a rock and she stares in, “My, Mr. Wolf, what big teeth you have.” The wolf stands up and runs away. Finally at granny’s, Red sees the wolf peeking around from the backyard and she pipes up, “My Mr. Wolf,” to which the wolf yells, “Would you f*ck off, I’m trying to take a sh*t!”
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Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls 911 and gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
While taking the interview, the employer asked the candidate:
Employer: So, how long did you work during your'e last job?
Candidate: 30 years
Employer: oh, you look young how old are you
Candidate: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack Sh*t? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You dont know Jack Sh*t." Well, thanks to my efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Sh*t is the only son of Awe Sh*t, who married O Sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep 'N Sh*t, Inc. In turn, Jack Sh*t married No Sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy Sh*t, Giva Sh*t, Fulla Sh*t, Bull Sh*t, and the twins Deep Sh*t and Dip Sh*t. Deep Sh*t married Dumb Sh*t, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Sh*t got divorced, and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Sh*t Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Sh*t married Lotta Sh*t and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Sh*t. Fulla Sh*t and Giva Sh*t married the Happens brothers, and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Sh*t-Happens wedding. Bull Sh*t traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Sh*t. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know Jack Sh*t!
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!" The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty," says the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!" At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?" He replies, "He is my next door neighbor." The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments." The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"